The experiments conducted by SPAL (Society for the Promotion of the Anguish Languish) show that an unbelievable number of English words, regardless of their usual meanings, can be substituted quite satisfactorily for others. When all the words in a given passage of English have been so replaced, the passage keeps its original meaning, but all the words have acquired new ones. A word that has received a new meaning has become a wart, and when all the words in the passage have become warts, the passage is no longer English; it's Anguish.

Deep Thoughts by Jack Handey

Jack Handey is an American comedian and comic writer. He is famous for his Deep Thoughts, a large body of surrealistic one-liner jokes, as well as his "My Big Thick Novel" shorts. Between 1991 and 1998, and again from 2001 to 2003, Jack Handey became a well-known name when he began writing his famous "Deep Thoughts by Jack Handey" and reading them on the air. The one-liners were extremely popular and became an enduring addition to the show.

Paul Feig

Paul Feig is the creator of Freaks and Geeks, a show that lasted only one season, but was cancelled. Be sure to check out his Public Domain Comedy Guide! He's also directed episodes of The Office and Arrested Development, as of this writing:

• "The Office" (2005) TV Series (episode 2.03 "Office Olympics") (episode 2.05 "Halloween")
• "Arrested Development" (2003) TV Series (episode 1.20 "Whistler's Mother") (episode 1.22 "Let 'Em Eat Cake") (episode 2.07 "Switch Hitter") (episode 2.09 "Burning Love") (episode 2.10 "Ready, Aim, Marry Me")

Contest of Champions

by Rick Swan. What do you say we round up some of the greatest sci-fi icons of all time -- plus a couple of offbeat obscurities -- pair 'em off, and then let 'em beat the crap out of each other? We're gonna give you blow-by-blow recaps of the actual battles (with rounds lasting from a few seconds to a few minutes), along with all the pertinent physical statistics (guaranteed to be accurate; we verified 'em with a tape measure and a bathroom scale). And of course, we're gonna tell you who won and how they did it.

"Let's get ready to RUMBLE!!" (((Next up: the battles begin!!!)))