The Best of 2004

My favorites of 2004:

The Lord of the Rings: The Return of the King :: Best Picture of 2003 :: 11 Academy Awards

Movies:

Finding Neverland
Harry Potter and the Prizoner of Azkaban
The Incredibles
Napoleon Dynamite
Ocean’s 12
The Passion of the Christ
Spider-Man 2
The Village

TV:

Alias
Arrested Development
Extreme Makeover Home Edition
Lost
Scrubs
StarGate Atlantis
StarGate SG-1

I hadn’t seen a single episode of any of those shows before 2004. Now I’m a huge fan of all of them.

On Patience

The world to day is very now. Give me this information, NOW. I want this NOW, I need that NOW. Patience is something that I struggle with sometimes. When it comes to certain things, I get in a mode where I will stop at nothing to have it.

And there are other things, more fragile, delicate things, that I have a yearning for, a desire for, but I need to find the balance. I need to have the patience to wait. You may think I’m talking about one thing, but you’d be wrong. Patience in that area is very easy. Patience is very trying.

When you don’t know what to talk about or what to say, patience leaves you to your thoughts. That can be a very scary thing, or a very soothing thing. And getting mixed signals, and you don’t know what they mean. Are they little tests? Are you failing each one? Are you making yourself look a fool?

Only fools rush in. I want to have the strength to be patient. But I also want to know how patient I need to be. The problem comes in knowing. What do I know and not know. Why is it so hard to ask and find out? Because of inopportune moments. Time. Because of the risks that may be associated with it. Because you are putting the other person in complete control of your feelings and emotions. You like where things are at, and don’t want that to become spoiled.

You, however, like where things are at so much, that you would like to experience more of that. That for every one moment you want another, and every moment spent makes you long for more. You see possibilities, but that scares you.

You just need to know a few things, and perhaps you can move forward.

Perhaps now is not the time, but soon may be.

Where am I going with this? Who is this for? What am I eluding to? Well, I know, and a few people that read this will know. Perhaps it is for one of those people to read. Perhaps it’s to help them to feel that they are not the only ones with these feelings. Perhaps it’s to help someone realize that they need to have a little patience.

Maybe it’s for me.

About my Name

Paul: From the Roman family name Paulus, which meant “small” or “humble” in Latin.

Michael: From the Hebrew name Miyka’el which meant “who is like God?”. This was the name of one of the seven archangels in Hebrew tradition and the only one identified as an archangel in the Bible. In the Book of Revelation in the New Testament he is portrayed as the leader of heaven’s armies, and thus is considered the patron saint of soldiers. “Who is like God?” is St. Michael’s battle cry!

Martin: Warlike. Origin is Latin.

Therefore: I am a humble soldier of God.

On being the Center of Attention

Many things get in my path that force me to make decisions. I’m not a decision maker, because I like to take into account the effect that my decision has on others. I don’t want to let anyone down, and fear losing friends over bad decisions. Being the center of attention scares me, and yet I crave it. I enjoy being noticed. I enjoy it when people compliment me. Mainly because I didn’t have a lot of that growing up.

So when someone new comes along that is suddenly the center of attention, I feel I have to do something about it and risk overcompensating.

I’m not a public speaker and I’m not all that funny. But I can talk in public about things that I know about, and I can make jokes or point out the obvious sometimes, and make a situation funny.

I was never the popular kid, and still get crap because I am strong in my Catholic convictions. Should my being a virgin at 24 be so surprising to people? Which is sadder: that people are shocked, or that there is a REASON that people are shocked?

I can’t do a lot of things, and I can’t be there for everyone all the time. I can promise to do my best for those that I care about. My best is all that I can give. I will fail, but that’s why I need the help of my friends to keep moving forward.

I have a lot of friends. More, sometimes, than I even know how to deal with, or handle. I have always been good at making friends. Sometimes I question what it is that makes me a good friend to people. Why am I your friend? What is it that makes you want to call me friend?

What makes it hard is when I want to talk to one person, and don’t know what to talk about with them. I don’t know what they’ll find interesting, or what they enjoy talking about. Perhaps I should ask that. Perhaps I should just keep plugging away, learning about their family, and other interests, and let the rest come with time. Why am I so impatient sometimes? Why am I so shy, yet outgoing at the same moment? Why can’t I be outgoing when I want to be? What is it that I’m afraid of? Being the center of attention to this one person?

Which brings us to where we started. What’s it mean, then, to be the center of attention?