Many things get in my path that force me to make decisions. I’m not a decision maker, because I like to take into account the effect that my decision has on others. I don’t want to let anyone down, and fear losing friends over bad decisions. Being the center of attention scares me, and yet I crave it. I enjoy being noticed. I enjoy it when people compliment me. Mainly because I didn’t have a lot of that growing up.
So when someone new comes along that is suddenly the center of attention, I feel I have to do something about it and risk overcompensating.
I’m not a public speaker and I’m not all that funny. But I can talk in public about things that I know about, and I can make jokes or point out the obvious sometimes, and make a situation funny.
I was never the popular kid, and still get crap because I am strong in my Catholic convictions. Should my being a virgin at 24 be so surprising to people? Which is sadder: that people are shocked, or that there is a REASON that people are shocked?
I can’t do a lot of things, and I can’t be there for everyone all the time. I can promise to do my best for those that I care about. My best is all that I can give. I will fail, but that’s why I need the help of my friends to keep moving forward.
I have a lot of friends. More, sometimes, than I even know how to deal with, or handle. I have always been good at making friends. Sometimes I question what it is that makes me a good friend to people. Why am I your friend? What is it that makes you want to call me friend?
What makes it hard is when I want to talk to one person, and don’t know what to talk about with them. I don’t know what they’ll find interesting, or what they enjoy talking about. Perhaps I should ask that. Perhaps I should just keep plugging away, learning about their family, and other interests, and let the rest come with time. Why am I so impatient sometimes? Why am I so shy, yet outgoing at the same moment? Why can’t I be outgoing when I want to be? What is it that I’m afraid of? Being the center of attention to this one person?
Which brings us to where we started. What’s it mean, then, to be the center of attention?