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Contest of Champions

Leia vs. JanewayUSS Enterprise-E vs. Imperial Star Destroyer

USS Enterprise-E Imperial Star Destroyer
Length: 700 meters
Weight: One gazillion tons
Reach: No arms
Crew's Pet Peeve: Klingon service stations won't take American Express
Length: 1,600 meters
Weight: 2.28 gazillion tons
Reach: Also armless
Crew's Pet Peeve: Scraping X-Wings off the windshield

On the edge of the galaxy, a Star Wars Imperial Star Destroyer (pride of the Empire's armada) confronts the Enterprise-E (the Federation flagship and latest model of the proud Enterprise line). As the encounter begins, the Star Destroyer is circling the Enterprise, which, inexplicably, has cut its engines.

Round One: The Star Destroyer unleashes a volley of turbolasers. The beams ricochet harmlessly off the Enterprise's shields, which just happen to be impervious to lasers.

Round Two: On the Enterprise bridge, Captain Jean-Luc Picard stifles a yawn. "Damage report?" he asks.

"Shields holding, sir," says Data. "How long before we return fire?"

Picard pops a Junior Mint. "No rush. We'll let them wear themselves out."

Round Three: The Star Destroyer peppers the Enterprise with ion cannon bursts. It might as well be squirting water pistols.

Round Four: "Shields still holding, Captain," says Data.

"Silly Empire," says Picard, spraying his head with Lemon Pledge. "Their antique technology can't hope to penetrate our sophisticated graviton polarity deflection system."

Round Five: The Star Destroyer fires more turbolasers. Effect: El Zippo.

Round Six: "Sir," says Data. "Instead of an ordinary Star Destroyer, suppose we were under attack by a Super Star Destroyer?"

"Hmm. A Super Star Destroyer is armed with concussion missiles," replies Picard, buffing his dome to an attractive sheen. "More than 200, I believe. In that cast, we'd have trouble."

On the Enterprise viewscreen, a Super Star Destroyer enters the quadrant.

Round Seven: "Arm the main phasers!" barks Picard. "Fire when --"

Too late. The Super Star Destroyer opens up with a hailstorm of concussion missiles. The Enterprise explodes like a can of chili in a microwave. When the smoke clears, all that remains of the Enterprise is an empty, dented Pledge can.

Winner: Star Destroyer

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