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Contest of Champions

RoboCop vs. CylonsRoboCop vs. Cylons

RoboCop Cylons
Height: 6'10"
Weight: 490 lbs.
Reach: 46"
Favorite Christmas Gift: Monogrammed soldering iron
Height: 6'6"
Weight: 430 lbs.
Reach: 43"
Favorite Christmas Gift: Case of WD-40

RoboCop, the gun-toting cyborg who starred in a nifty feature film (and two crappy sequels), is in hot pursuit. His quarry: a gang of Cylons, the armor-encased creeps from "Battlestar Galactica," a late '70s TV series whose similarities to "Star Wars" were purely, uh, coincidental. The chase is about to wrap up on a dead end street in the heart of Detroit.

Round One: "Halt," says RoboCop. "You are under arrest."

The Cylons turn. Their leader responds, his voice an electronic monotone. "What-is-the-charge?"

"Impersonating a Stormtrooper," says RoboCop.

"Bite-me," says the Cylon leader.

Round Two: The Cylons raise their weapons and lumber towards RoboCop.

Round Three: RoboCop stays put. "Dead or alive, you're coming with -- oof!" RoboCop reels as teh lead Cylon hits him in the face with the butt of his rifle.

"Your-laws-do-not-apply-to-us," says the Cylon leader.

Round Four: Enraged, RoboCop smacks the Cylon leader with a manhole cover. He flings another Cylon through a plate glass window. He takes out the rest with a single shot, which pings off the pavement, ricochets off a lamppost, boings off a building, then bores through their craniums.

Round Five: As RoboCop arranges the Cylons in a tidy stack, a Fox TV exec pulls up in a truck. "Uh, Mr. Cop?" says the exec. "Mind if we haul 'em away and fix 'em up? We can use a few more robotic non-entities on 'Melrose Place.' "

"My favorite show," says RoboCop. "Be my guest."

Winner: RoboCop

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