If I could be a bird, I think I'd be a penguin, because then I could walk around on two feet with a lot of other guys like me.

If any man says he hates war more than I do, he better have a knife, that's all I have to say.

When I found the wallet in the road, I started wondering about the guy who owned it. Who was he? Was it William Gregory of Eastwood Lane, like the driver's license said, or was it someone else? And what was he going to spend the money on? About a week later, I started wondering again about the wallet guy. What was he like? And where was he going to spend his five dollars?

To me, there's no better symbol for the world than a grasshopper lying dead on a gravel road, and maybe there's a globe lying next to him.

I wish scientists would come up with a way to make dogs a lot bigger, but with a smaller head. That way, they'd still be good as watchdogs, but they wouldn't eat so much.

Many people never stop to realize that a tree is a living thing, not that different from a tall, leafy dog that has roots and is very quiet.

If trees could scream, would be so cavalier about cutting them down? We might, if they screamed all the time for no good reason.

Instead of having 'answers' on a math test, they should just call them 'impressions,' and if you got a different 'impression,' so what, can't we all be brothers?

Probably the earliest fly swatters were nothing more than some sort of striking surface attached to the end of a long stick.

I can picture in my mind a world without war, a world without hate. And I can picture us attacking that world, because they'd never expect it.

I hope some animal never bores a hold in my head and lays its eggs in my brain, because later you might think you're having a good idea, but it's just eggs hatching.

Instead of a trap door, what about a trap window? The guy looks out it, and if he leans too far, he falls out. Wait. I guess that's like a regular window.

To us, it might look like just a rag. But to the brave, embattled men of the fort, it was more than that. It was a flag of surrender. And after that, it was torn up and used for shoe-shine rags, so the men would look nice for the surrender.

If you ever go temporarily insane, don't shoot somebody, like a lot of people do. Instead, try to get some weeding done, because you'd really be surprised.

Marta said I don't seem to like to read fiction very much. 'I guess you're not an `afictionado',' she said. Poor Marta. For all her reading, she doesn't even know the right word.

When you die, if you go somewhere where they ask you a bunch of questions about your life and what you learned and all, I think a good way to get out of it is just to say, 'No speaka English.'

If you were a gladiator in olden days, I bet the inefficiency of how the gladiator fights were organized and scheduled would just drive you up a wall.

I wish I could shrink down to the size of an ant. And maybe there would be thousands of other people shrunken down to ant-size, and we would get together and dig tunnels down into the ground and live there. But don't ever call us 'ants,' because we hate that.

If I ever get real rich, I hope I'm not real mean to poor people, like I am now.

I remember how my great uncle Jerry would sit on the porch and whittle all day long. Once he whittled me a toy boat out of a larger toy boat I had. It was almost as good as the first one, except now it had bumpy whittle marks all over it. And no paint, because he had whittled off the paint.

If you ever crawl inside an old hollow log and go to sleep, and while you're in there some guys come and seal up both ends and then put it on a truck and take it to another city; boy, I don't know what to tell you.

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