When I looked up at the scoreboard, there were fifteen seconds left. It seemed like plenty of time, but it wasn't. Before I could get to the rest room, I had wet my pants.

Every summer we'd get out baskets and buckets and go out into the hills and woods, looking for wild strawberries, blueberries, and blackberries. We never found any, though.

I remember the first time I ever saw a shooting star I said, "What the hell is that?" But nowadays when I see one I just say, "What is that?" I leave off the "hell" part. Maybe when I'm old I'll just say, "Whazzit?"

The first time I ever tried to milk a cow at Grandpa's farm, I didn't even know which end of the cow to milk! The I guess I got even dumber, because the next time I couldn't even find the barn. Then the last time, I just went out in the woods and lived, with no clothes.

Maybe it's my imagination, but food seemed to taste better when I was a kid. Also, food would sing and dance and play musical instruments, but that could also have been my imagination.

When Dad found out the house was full of termites, he got real mad. But I was glad, because now I wouldn't have to go all the way to the woods to get termites for my termite farm.

When I was a kid, I used to think you could jump off the roof of our house using an umbrella as a parachute. I thought my little brother could, anyway.

When we were kids, I used to make fun of my friend Kevin whenever he had to go to his piano lesson. But look where he is now and look where I am. Actually, I don't know where he is now. But look where I am, that's my point.

When I told my Dad I wanted a kite he said, "Okay, but instead of buying a kite, let's make one." So we did. Then, about a month later, we also made me a bicycle, but it blew away.

One time I was walking through the field behind our house, when this man jumped out and grabbed me. He was wearing a striped uniform and his ankles were chained together. He told me to get him some food, and some tools to get the chains off his legs. And if I didn't, he would kill my whole family.
[ cut to young Jack sitting in front of the TV set, eating a popsicle ]
I wonder whatever happened to that guy.

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